This glorified welfare queen is Torina, the stay at home foster mother from Minnesota who runs a blog called Busy Intersection which is largely dedicated to garnering sympathy for herself by claiming her 13-year-old non-biological daughter is a mentally ill hellion who doesn’t love her enough.
Don’t believe me? Here’s some of her post called I’m Already Tired Out:
She came home bitching and screaming. You know who. Not even a moment’s relief. Oh no. We could not be blessed with that. She didn’t ask how the boys adoptions went. Didn’t care. I did mention that it was a nice ceremony and the boys tried to excitedly tell her about it but she just talked about the respite house and Hannah Montana and Wii.
.
Sometimes, I wonder if respite is really that good of a thing. When Tara is around all the time, I can tolerate the bitching and screaming much better than the first day when she comes back. Then it feels like an emotional train hits me.
.
Those days that she was gone, I felt free…liberated from the emotional heartsuck that she pulls me into. I hate that it is like this. I hate that I don’t feel that same over joyous love and adoration for that kid as when I first met her. With my other kids, my love grows. With Tara, it is more like a commitment of advocacy rather than adoring my child. I can no longer adore someone who makes me so sad, so angry, so hopeless, so tired…all…the…time.
Now that’s good mothering! In case you’re confused as to what’s going on, according to Torina her daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder and Cerebral Palsy. I suspect she’s also suffering from her mother’s Munchhausen by Proxy since much of her blog details her attempts to get her daughter on medication even though doctors feel the child doesn’t need them. Anyway, when you adopt a child with R.A.D. and F.A.S.D. you can go one of two ways. The first is to provide the child with lots of attention, love and caring.
Torina went the second way.
That is, she sends the kid to respite care even though that will negatively effect a child with R.A.D. because she and her husband “need a break” and then she likes to blog about how awful it is to be around the child.Then she adopted two other children who she lavishes more praise and love on than the daughter. It’s like Torina is trying to raise a serial killer.
So her latest anti-Tara (the daughter) post was basically about her shock and heartbreak at Tara’s reaction to coming home from the place she’s sent when Mommy just can’t look at her anymore and being met with the good news of her new siblings’ adoption ceremony being the Greatest Party Ever!!! Who would have guessed a teen would react badly to that?
I could have, and I of course left a mannered and temperate response in her comment section:
Um. Yeah. Is Tara a teenager? Is she a teen who A)has medical issues that makes it hard for her to fit in and B) knows you feel this way.
I’ve worked with problem children and teens for years before and I’ve found teens want two things. The first is to feel respected and the second is for you to spend a certain amount of time just listening to them. Not doing “therepy” or trying to “heal” them, just listening.
Have you or others here who claim these kids who have no choice in the matter but to be in the houses of strangers who may or may not be decent people (and no offense but because most Fosters I’ve met don’t work…) ever stepped back and looked at the kid as a individual having a tough time and not a project child or a state gifted love projector? Because the post and comments don’t sound like it.
[…]
Do you think that in her mind being sent to “respite” house or whatever sends her a message that you don’t really dig her? That’s probably hard for a kid to have to go away because their foster family can’t stand to be around them…
[…]
How would you feel if your husband sent you somewhere to “take a break” and when you guys reunited he was ecstatically happy about the time you were gone? That’s kinda how Tara feels.
Blah, blah, blah. Like I said, temperate and mannered. Here’s Mother of the Year’s response via email:
You are a fucking idiot. Don’t you dare read one solitary post and form an opinion about me. I talk to my daughter every day. You say you have worked with kids? Well, then you haven’t LIVED with a child like my daughter. You get a break. You are an asshole. And I am not her foster parent, though it shouldn’t matter if I was. I am her MOTHER. You, on the other hand, are a motherfucker. You think ICE CREAM is going to solve being severely disabled??? MORON. I have had a million bowls of ice cream with Tara. I “shoot the shit” with her all the time.
Fuck you.
Torina
One wonders how Torina can “shoot the shit” with her all the time if Tara gets shipped of to respite care on a regular basis? I’d also ask if Torina kisses her daughter with that mouth but we already know she doesn’t.
But what gets me is the commenters on Torina’s blog who seem to think she’s some sort of great mother for shipping her disabled daughter off whenever she isn’t giving out enough love to fill that sucking void Torina calls a soul. If I’m in the minority in suggesting that bad-mouthing your child on the Internet isn’t great parenting, we truly are in the end of times.
Torina and her husband’s awesome parenting skills have also led to their daughter acting out sexually on the school bus. Something Mother of the year thought was an interesting tidbit to publish on a blogspot blog, because, you know, one day that kid will grow up and try to move on with her life.
You get the picture, Torina shouldn’t be a foster mother. She’d be more at home blogging for Pandagon with that potty mouth of hers. The question is why Minnesota Child Services allows this weirdo to adopt kids anyway. People who know me know my mother works for social services in New York and I’ve seen her take kids from people for less. Is Minnesota so bereft of potential fosters that they’ll let some woman with no personal boundaries adopt special needs children?
Torina has put up a little blog post about yours truly, which would annoy me but a link is a link. Go to the comments to see my buddy SMP rip them a new one, and Torina’s commenters claim I should be blocked and/or arrested for giving them the business. Sad who raises children these days, isn’t it?
Surprise! She banned me. Nothing like shutting down debate to prove you’re right. Although she did send an apology via email. Then she promptly set her blog to private.
I hope she doesn’t think privatizing it will keep CPS out. The more I read from her and of the e-mails she sent you, the more I am worried about the children in her care.
This part of her message to you is nagging the hel out of me:
“Tara cannot get on the Internet. That is too many steps. She has severe brain damage, remember?”
Severe brain damage and she sends the girl away all the time?! She calls her a burden and blogs about her like she’s a teenager throwing a fit, and the girl has severe brain damage?!
I’m just livid! I swear! I really am! And the case workers who allowed this creature to have this girl and then MORE should be fired for eternity from any job requiring child care and placement!!!
Oh, and you know, heavens forbid a teenager talk about Hannah Montana when that’s all she’s allowed to do while the family is out enjoying a momentous ceremony with the two new additions.
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Mr. Taylor.
I would like to show you what a polite comment is. Vide infra- (Read below for those unfamiliar with Latin)
I am one of Torina’s many readers who was shocked and horrified that you would choose to attack a stranger on a personal blog. To live 24/7 with a child with multiple disabilities is a daunting task. And you conveniently skipped the post where Torina details advocating for *more* services for Tara to avoid the Respite Care which is so damaging. Additionally, although you claim Tara is often “shipped off” to Respite, she has been a grand total of twice in the many years she has lived in her mother’s home.
Now, Mr. Taylor, are you going to attack me? Are you going to write me off as part of an “unemployed circle jerk” in order to justify your vitriolic response? Let me tell you, then, who I am: I am a physically and emotionally disabled abuse survivor, 23, working towards a Univeristy degree. I am an advocate for other disabled youth and a nationally in-demand public speaker.
I wonder what you would find to attack on MY blog, Sir…
I too am one of Torina’s faithful readers and friends. The manner in which you attacked her was completely unjustified and slanderous. Edit: That’s not what slander means
This is a woman who, if you had actually bothered to go back and READ her blog, you would see has devoted several years of her life to making a difference in teh world of foster care and adoption for special needs children. She puts them first, above everything. They are her life.
Torina speaks from the heart, even when it isn’t pretty. Because living with children with special needs isn’t pretty. Love doesn’t magically make things better. These children are severely damaged long before they enter our homes. But we choose to parent them, through good and bad, and take great joy in the simple accomplishments in life.
And it hurts. We grieve all of the time for what these children should have been, could have been, if they hadn’t suffered so many abuses in their early lives. These damages aren’t something that can be “fixed” so we try to do as much as we can in order to help them be the best they can, no matter what.
Torina is very realistic in her expectations and goals for Tara. She doesn’t delude herself into believing Tara will become a nuclear physicist. She and her husband know that Tara’s future independence is a question, and they are working (along with doctors, therapists, and more) to have a plan in place so Tara can be as independent as possible.
To take this woman’s honesty and dedication and use it as a tool against her is despicable. You went off on her without all of the facts (even though they were there for you to read) and tried and convicted her as an unfit parent. And then to threaten her with CPS involvement? For what? For being a realist? For being a parent who has fought for years to get the services her children need — are owed — so they can succeed to the best of their abilities? Because she took a second weekend of respite in many years? And believe me, if your mother in New York has taken children away for less, then the state of New York and the parents there better be afraid, very afraid, of inaccurate and false allegations by CPS.
You criticized Torina for her language, yet you conveniently left out all of the remarks you left calling her readers douchebags and douches. I ask you the same: You kiss your CPS mother with that mouth?
I would hope in your line of work which SMP so highly praised that you take a little more time to investigate and get the facts straight before calling in the dogs. Because there are people’s LIVES at stake.
You’ve hurt a wonderful woman who is and will continue to be a great inspiration to many other parents of special needs children. And for that you should be ashamed.
Rob, I find it enthralling how they come out of the woodwork to defend her and make these claims of what a good person she is AFTER she shuts her blog to friends-only.
I, also, find it telling that they are so afraid of CPS coming in to investigate the situation. Telling, indeed.
I will add to Mimi’s claim you are trying to hide something: I don’t see Torina posting the e-mails she sent Rob, where she keeps adding to the ailments her daughter supposedly suffers. lol Of course, we won’t see much of any proof she is as we say because she conveniently shut it down to the public.
I’d like to add, also, that the part of her letter to you stating “Tara cannot get on the Internet. That is too many steps. She has severe brain damage, remember?†is one of the most absurd claims I have read in a very long time. She says this to you after blogging that her daughter is “bitching and screaming” and going on about Hannah Montana and Wii. Yet … she is too brain damaged to navigate the net? Lovely.
And there’s that word “slanderous” again. They do so love to throw that word at us, don’t they? Gotta love those online law degrees! (i.e. 5 minutes of Googling “slander laws”).
Speaking of slander, perhaps you should look into filing charges on the commenter who called you a pedophile on Torina’s blog. Give them a lesson in what slander really is. 😉
I’m still trying to figure out how, you can read one post of someone’s blog, and know that they are the “world’s worst adoptive mother.” I think your hyperbole has gone too far in this situation. It isn’t cute or funny.
Also, I’d like to know where your elevated sense of importance with CPS comes from, other than your aunt who works in New York. I think that Minnesota is a tad bit outside of her jurisdiction. We won’t even get into the fact that CPS is not going to care that Torina blogs about her children using aliases and non-location specific information.
Another issue I have with your selective blogging is that you and your buddy SMP keep insinuating that Tara is sent away all the time. She has been to respite twice. And Torina has stated her concerns about the risks versus the benefits of respite with Tara and her RAD.
Again, you blame Tara’s sexual acting out on the “poor” parenting of her adoptive parents, rather than the sexual abuse she endured before she was adopted. It’s nonsensical.
For someone who blogs about politics and crimes, you sure don’t do much investigation into the actual situation, do you? Because, if you had actually read all of Torina’s posts, before attacking her, you would have seen how much she loves this girl, and how much she has gone through for her. Next time, think before you post, and honestly, if you can’t think of anything nice to say, than just don’t say it.
Kendra:
Your illiteracy bears no aid to Torina. You have demonstrated with your comment a complete lack of reading comprehension. Please, do read through Rob’s blog when you have more time than a simple skim through.
It is in your best interest to realize what in idiot you are in suggesting Rob or I only read this one blog when he clearly has links to her other blogs.
We could post those blogs of hers and even comment about those blogs if she hadn’t made them private. Since she has, it is not wise of me to remark about those other blogs when it would be my word only and no way of having her side of it on display.
This is what is called respect and intelligence, though I understand those are two terms much more difficult for you to grasp than “burden” and “bitching” in regards to a mentally ill child, especially one who was, as you say, sexually abused.
Yes, don’t we just love when a child sex abuse victim with RAD and cerebral palsy is referred to as a “bitching burden”? Way to go, Mom!
I notice, SMP, that my earlier comment is the only one which you have not bothered to rip to shreds. Perhaps you see me as too wounded or beneath your notice? I find it intriguing that you and your “colleague” Mr. Taylor accuse Torina of taking in a child which she sees as no more than a pet, but that you have not responded to my comment on this situation.
Or…
Perhaps I have made a point?
Kindly enlighten me
SMP:
I’ll give you that he linked to other blog posts of Torina’s. They all came from the first page of her blog. Neither of you have appeared to actually go through and read her blog with anything other than a malicious intent to find incendiary phrases.
I find it amusing that you choose to attack me by calling me illiterate. I’ll inform my thesis committee and withdraw my intention to defend immediately. For someone who finds it insulting that the mother of a child who lives with this child 24/7 knows that the child is incapable of getting on the internet, I find it entertaining that you are so quick to label me as illiterate.
Thanks so much for your commentary on my competency.
Actually Kendra I linked to posts off her front page and I read back as far as December 4th ’07. That particular one was where, if memory serves, Torina shows that “Tara” can function normally (writing paragraphs, etc.)
So Kendra, what’s your Thesis on and what school produces candidates that can see no problem with a mother treating her daughter the way Torina does? I got my Masters from CT Wesleyan, where did you get yours?
It’s amazing that there are always people who will show up to defend the indefensible. I don’t know Torina and Tara, but I do know that even the most emotionally disabled children are extraordinarily sensitive to how we feel about them. Ashley and Kendra, do you really think Tara doesn’t know that Torina considers her a bitching burden? Do you really believe that when Tara acts out after returning from respite, it has nothing to do with the way her mother reacts to her return? Do you really agree that it’s constructive to exclude Tara from a momentous family occasion?
Of course you don’t believe those things. You’re defending a friend or someone with whom you identify. That might have an element of nobility if you were willing to admit to defending Torina out of loyalty. Instead, you are making fools of yourselves by defending a level of emotional immaturity that can only further damage a child who deserves so much more.
Incidentally, I did look at a number of Torina’s other posts before she made her blog private. I noticed that not only does Tara play video games, she can read and write (and as Rob alluded to, has even had to write paragraphs as a form of punishment.) I’m pretty sure a kid who can read and write and play Wii games can get on the Internet to read her mom’s blog. Underestimating children is always a prescription for trouble.
Dear Ashely-
Since you wanted someone to rip your comment to shreds I will oblige-
1) Using Vide Intra to refer to the very next paragraph is in fact the wrong use for the term.
2) “I am one of Torina’s many readers who was shocked and horrified that you would choose to attack a stranger on a personal blog.” Are you kidding? Have you been on the Internet? If you don’t want to be attacked on the Internet don’t post your bad parenting for the world to see.
3) “And you conveniently skipped the post where Torina details advocating for *more* services for Tara to avoid the Respite Care which is so damaging.” I did link to the post where she complains about the fact that doctors won’t slap meds on her when they clearly think she doesn’t need them. My point remains unchallenged, Torina is advocating for herself, not the child. Show me where her behavior is in toto (I put that Latin in so you can see if I used it right Game On!) design to ensure Tara’s future and not to stroke her own ego. Respite care and addictive prescriptions don’t assure Tara a good future do they?
4) ” I am a physically and emotionally disabled abuse survivor, 23, working towards a Univeristy degree. I am an advocate for other disabled youth and a nationally in-demand public speaker.
I wonder what you would find to attack on MY blog, Sir…” The fact that you use tragedy to sell yourself as an expert in this or that? Your personally history of abuse has no relevance to this (except I’d think that you’d be more sympathetic to Tara who is clearly being emotionally abused) but you vomit it forth to deflect criticism of some fairly asinine points. Since you’re young I have hope you’ll outgrow such unseemly and inappropriate social ticks.
5) You also say your an advocate for “other youth’ when you are in fact no longer a youth. This is called a “tell’ in that you clearly no you’re a bit immature.
6) I’m removing the links to your blog. I won’t be promoting your nonsense here.
Mimi-
I’m sure people with disabilities everywhere applaud how “realistic” you are in assessing their future. Oh, if only we could start up a Eugenics program to end such suffering!
Whether the children will or will not be Nuclear Physicists (and I would put forward that you will never be one either, but I don’t judge your worth as a person by how stupid you are) they need, disabled or not, to know that there is an adult out there that believes they could be.
I don’t know what Manson-esque cult raised you but children need to know someone believes in them, Tara doesn’t have that and worse the woman not providing that for her is cheered on by unemployed douchebags in an Internet circle jerk designed to make people who have no ability to live their own lives sans government support/student loans/long suffering husbands fell like they aren’t burdensome wastes of humanity. There. I repeated my incredibly evil comment here.
Now will you claim that that comment is worse than child porn like you did on Torina’s blog?
Before I say anything else, I have to say that I did read much of this woman’s blog before she set it to “private”.
That being said, holy shit. I can’t believe anyone would go online to say such things about their child. Because, whatever disabilities this girl has, she IS a child, first and foremost. I also can’t believe the sheer number of other “moms” who are posting in agreement, or defending the behavior here or on The Ultimate Evil.
I’d like to point out that Torina claims that Tara is functioning at the level of a six-year-old. Well, A) My not-quite-2-year-old son can actually be reasoned with. Maybe Torina should give it a try. Yes, sitting down an talking with him, as was suggested by Rob, actually does work. And yes, I’ve also done this with much older “developmentally disabled” children, and guess what! It works! Ask them, in a calm manner, what is bothering them, and they’ll tell you. Most likely, it’s that she hates being treated differently, or like a burden. And B) I’ve known 5-year-olds who not only knew how to turn on the computer, but could type, surf the ‘net, and find stuff on the computer better than their parents (and many other adults). If they’re not teaching her how to use a computer in school, they’re doing her a great disservice. If her mother, who obviously knows something about using a computer, isn’t teaching her how to use the computer, she’s also doing her a great disservice… is it to keep her from finding the evidence of just how she feels about her? If she is ever to have any semblance of a normal life, she will need to know how to go online to find a job (just as an example.)
Sorry to sound so bitchy about this, but seriously, some parents just don’t give their children enough credit for their capacity to learn, to understand what is going on, and to pick up on what we’re thinking and feeling. Children are far more perceptive than most people think, even the 6-year-olds. And they act out on it when it’s negative. A child who has suffered abuse is even more likely to do so.
Now, I’m the first to admit that a mom isn’t required to always “like” their child. Kids can get downright nasty in their behavior at times (though I’m incredibly lucky there. 🙂 But they should always be required to love and respect their child, because that is the only way their children will learn to love and respect others (including the parents). Children should not have to earn respect the way adults do. They need to learn how it feels to have respect, so they know the difference. There will always be more than enough people out in the world all too willing to show them what it feels like NOT to be respected or loved. Parents should be the balance, not add to the feeling of worthlessness a child can get from being badmouthed and disrespected.
BTW Rob, I agree… how dare any parent assume that their child is not capable of changing the world for the better?
I’d also like to note, from the link Rob posted in the main post about RAD:
“RAD arises from a failure to form normal attachments to primary caregivers in early childhood. Such a failure could result from severe early experiences of neglect, abuse, abrupt separation from caregivers between the ages of six months and three years, frequent change of caregivers, or a lack of caregiver responsiveness to a child’s communicative efforts.”
Not only would the supposedly only 2 “respites” be damaging for a child like this, but so would all the other caregivers that Torina has left this girl with.
I’d also like to mention that, in most states (actually, I’m pretty sure in ALL states) leaving a child at the age of 6 home alone for any length of time is NEGLECT. If this girl is really functioning at the level of a 6-year-old, as well as physically handicapped, then this mother absolutely should be reported to CPS for leaving her home alone for hours at a time. Quite frankly, I’m shocked that none of the other “moms” posting have picked up on this very important bit of information.
Ashley: I have better things to do than entertain a group of self-serving “moms” bent on defending their abusive friend. I have a life and I didn’t have time to stay here on your command.
Why didn’t I respond to you, you ask? What was painfully obvious to me by your initial comment is that you came here simply for attention. You post some short, half-assed remark claiming to be some survivor of mental defect – yet you belittle a child inflicted with such while praising the mother berating her. Then you scream: “Attack me! Attack me! Attack me!” in the majority of that post. No, I wasn’t going to entertain that ridiculously obvious attempt at attention, but since you came back and begged me to rip your ass a new one, here goes (and remember you asked):
I am a survivor of some of the worst forms of child abuse and sexual abuse you can imagine, though I know plenty who had it worse. You won’t see me going onto a blog written by the parent of a child who suffered sexual abuse and applauding her rantings of how much of a bitching burden the sexual abuse victim is – who in this case happens to be a 13 year old girl currently going through puberty. (If I were to ever do that, I’d sign myself up for electro-shock therapy to get out the cold hearted bitch that possessed me…. Need a pen?)
Yet, you expect me to believe that someone who struggled through life with disorders like “Tara’s” would go onto that blog and defend the mother berating a girl exactly like you claim to have been? Bullshit. You’re a pathetic liar and that shit won’t fly around here.
I find it quite a revelation that a fraud such as you has those moms on that blog eating out of the palm of your hand, as well. Goes to show just how in tune their “scam alert” radar is while reading Torina’s posts.
For a “nationally in demand public speaker” it’s funny how no one here has ever heard of you. Or perhaps you mean a nondescript third world nation.
Take your need for attention elsewhere. You’ll get no more from me as I’m not in the habit of entertaining attention whores. Consider this comment a little bit of entertainment for those wishing to tell you to shut the hel up.
Kendra: I think Rob answered you quite well, though you addressed me so let’s get it on –
Please, do tell me how it is someone of your self-proclaimed caliber can read through so many blogs of this woman and not see how she claims in one month her child is capable of dozens of things she is now stating are so impossible they prevent the child from navigating the net.
Please enlighten us on having a degree PREVENTS you from seeing she is verbally and emotionally abusing this child.
Do, please, tell us, Educated One, how one claiming to be so important to a “thesis committee” can fail to see how leaving a RAD inflicted child out of family activities is BENEFICIAL to that child, whose very infliction DEMANDS the exact opposite.
I’d so very much like you to explain your opinions on that as well as your support of emotionally abusive parents like Torina to your thesis committee.
Now, I’m quite interested in your answer to Rob on your thesis. I’m just giddy with anticipation! *crosses fingers in hopes Kendra will post said awe-inspiring thesis online for all to admire*
Rob, Dodia Fae, and Jenn:
What else can I say but, “Damn!” with an awe-stricken sigh. Your comments truly take my breath away! I am so completely honored to know all of you and in joyful gratitude you guys are right there with me day to day fighting the monsters on and off the net. I am immensely proud to call you all “friend” and “colleague”!
SMP: I only addressed you because you addressed me first. And now I’m done. I’m not playing this game. Ya’ll have enough egos for the whole web down here on this blog.I feel no need to defend my self or my actions. I’m done. I’m not playing this game. Ya’ll have fun.
Oh, for goodness sake! If you can’t spell it correctly, don’t freaking use it!!!
It’s Y’ALL! Not YA’LL!
“Y’all” is a contraction for “You All”, and therefore, is treated as “Are Not” is “aren’t”. It is “y’all”!
If you’re not from the South, don’t try to play like it. You fail miserably! And if you are from the South, get a better education than a community college in HickTown!
Don’t they teach simple English grammar in that school for which you’re writing a thesis?
I have one simple response: The world does not revolve around the US. I’m Canadian, and have spoken at 6 events in the last calendar year alone. However, I have finished with you. Go back under your bridge
I guess Ashley doesn’t like getting what she asks for. Dear, you never even got started with me, as with kendra. I let you be my chew toy. Simple as that. Canada… explains so much. LOL Try not to live online. It has made you believe your worth is based upon what net people believe, which is why you make that assumption about people here. I’d pity you if you deserved it but I’ll reserve those feelings for the child you are all verbally and emotionally abusing.
Oh and by the way, my cousins in Ontario haven’t heard of you either, but I guess you mean the OTHER side of Canada, which wouldn’t really be National, now would it?
Just a heads-up: http://busyintersection.blogspot.com/